Scatter-brained fool…

Here I am again, once more, and I have no idea why.

They were more peaceful times. Perhaps only in hindsight, and not actually.

No. Back in the days of imps and eggs – still I am troubled by eggs – things were simpler, though my wants more complicated. My wants are now simpler, but things more complicated. Net complexity is down though, so this must be a good thing.

Fragmentation breeds complexity. Desire breeds complexity.

Simplification is not just for things. In fact, the simplification of things is probably where I have been going wrong. My desire to simplify the external has resulted in cyclical successes and failures: I simplify, then complicate, then simplify, then complicate.

Simple mindset. To effect any lasting change, attention needs to be shifted away from things and onto the mind.

It seems so serene, but it could crack at any point – my mind, that is.

All so damned simple in the mind, but easier said than done, easier thought than said. Turning thoughts to action takes energy and effort. This is where the challenge lies.

Understanding biological and subconscious impulse is important: remove the decision-making process where possible and leave the desired option as the only one; don’t waste precious will power.

Don’t run before you can walk; you will only get so far before you fall.

The mind desires chaos, it has been conditioned for it. To quote Dave Mustaine, the mind, in its own way, is “addicted to chaos.” Serenity makes it uncomfortable. Serenity threatens modern society. Serenity undermines everything most people work for. I think this is why serenity is most commonly achieved in monastic settings, away from the people who find it uncomfortable. When most of society is distracted and chaotic, serenity is outcast, and anti-social. When one realises that nothing really matters, then very little is of consequence: people suffer and die, things change. In the end, everything is temporary. And once you are dead, nothing will matter to you.

I do not believe in heaven. I wish I did because the alternative is bleak. And wrestling with that every day is tough on the brain.

I forgot what the point was.

Oh wait… there is no point.







There’s Always Something…

There’s Always Something

I awoke early, drove 80 miles, did a day’s work, then drove 115 miles back. There were moments of joy, frustration, outright anger, humour, boredom, satisfaction and desire.

I have just lived another day.

I lived another day, 13 hours of it away from the house. And yet I come home and suckle the bitter-sweet, familiar digital teat of the internet, desperate for its faux-nourishment, desperate for it to give me some clue.

My little black book was two pages richer by the time I left the office. And yet still I fumble around the grossly offensive and bile-laden abyss of the World Wide Web. I want confirmation that I can write. I find half the planet is already doing it. Then I feel disheartened. This is where, dejected and hopeless, I am supposed to navigate to YouTube to then watch three hours of people less intelligent (and dexterous, for that matter) than my girlfriend’s dog fail at all manner of inane activities. I resist. This time.

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It Kept Me Sane…

Yes, it kept me sane.

That’s the main thing I really got from writing. It would help me to acknowledge the triviality of my grievances and lamentations by providing the time to reflect and laugh; it was only when I wrote them down and read them over in the editing process that I realised how ludicrous so many of my complaints are: striped toothpaste, for example.
It also helped me to find the humour and joy in the most mundane things: a pigeon in a bush becomes a target of paranoid suspicion.

I have not written in a long time. My sanity is failing.

As a writer, and so many fancy themselves as such nowadays – I gather it’s quite trendy to be a writer. What is a writer anyway? Is there something specific one has to do with the medium to be able to call themselves a writer? Does one have to be a professional? Does one have to be published? (And, no, self-published doesn’t count.) It is simply a case that I write, therefore I am… something like that?

I digress, as I am wont to do.

As a writer, one of the most difficult things in the world for me is writing. I can ramble for hours – it’s very therapeutic – but to write with any other aim or purpose is very challenging.

I have a heck of a story in me, but trying to tease it out is nigh on impossible; rather than writing, I spend most of my time on Wikipedia or YouTube ‘researching’. I’ve learned about military technology and the production of circuit-boards but not written much. So far.

I do not focus well enough and I spread myself too thin. I know it, and try to remind myself. Katie knows it and she tactfully reminds me. Even the universe knows it; it has been screaming at me to simplify for about 5 years now, however, like a defiant toddler, I simply fold my arms over my chest, furrow my brow, purse my lips and contrarily declare ’No!’, while I continue to flit from activity to activity…

They say ‘the universe knows best’, or something like that, and I’m sure it does, but my brain is dead set on getting in the way: ‘ooh, look at that thing over there; hey, wouldn’t you like to have a go at this thing’; ‘oh no, don’t worry about that, you can do that later, why don’t you check this out instead’; yo, stop what you’re doing immediately, I have something important to tell you: remember how much you like biscuits’; and so on… it’s truly exasperating.

I’ve gotta write more. If only to spite/appease my damned brain – the truth is, I have no idea what it really wants aside from biscuits, lots and lots of biscuits.

The Candle-maker

Candles were the only reliable way to know that you would have light these days. Within the city walls power was not guaranteed, especially in the outer districts, and personal electrical supplies were strictly prohibited. Consequently, candles were in high demand and so they cost a fortune. The only way to be sure of getting your hands on one was to save two weeks’ worth of luxury goods tokens and hope to make a trade with someone who had been able to get their hands on one. However, Rokas hated getting ripped off in the trade forums and had learned of a way to make his own candles using left-over cooking oil. He glanced at the clock. 22:19. He lit the candle ahead of the 22:30 power curfew and carried on reading his ESAO-3 Study Guide.

Rokas worked as a level-2 electrical salvage and assembly operative (ESAO-2) and had just been invited to study for promotion to level-3; his job was to put together whatever devices were called into production. This could change from week to week, sometimes even day-to-day. It was last week that he had been assembling computer screens from various reclaimed components when he was instructed to cease work on the current job as there had been a ‘P-1’ assembly requirement for ten camera units. He’d never made a camera before, and nor had any of the others, but they were given the component requirements and assembly specifications and just had to get on with it. Without questioning, fifty people were then dedicated to producing these camera units. The shit thing about the ‘P-1’ jobs is that no-one could return to their residence until the job was complete. But that’s just how it was. Of course, all ESAO-2s had been given training, but this was fairly basic; they could follow instructions, but didn’t really understand how things actually worked. Progress was sometimes slow, but opportunities like this allowed the more talented operatives, like Rokas, to really stand out and gave a chance to prove one’s worthiness of progression. As soon as the ten units had been produced to spec, the Production Director performed final quality control, confirmed acceptance and had terminated their shift. It was in the project analysis that he had highlighted Rokas as ‘a notable talent’ and invited him to advancement training.