There is no greater betrayal for someone so guarded than to allow themselves to feel, despite their natural inclinations, only to have their fears realised and face the disappointment they were seeking to avoid.
For a while now I’ve been casually searching for a new job – the right job. I am already employed and have been with the same company for the best part of eight years now. It’s the usual story: underpaid and under-appreciated.
But that I can just about tolerate, it’s the way of the world, right? What really gets me is the commute, the negative work environment and the company culture. I moved house last year, 60 miles further from work. The idea was that I was going to leave my job and find something else, be a writer perhaps, or a joiner at one point, but my company still needed me – what was I saying about under-appreciated…? So, I agreed to stay on part-time, despite the two-hour commute and no pay increase; the idea was that it would serve my needs for the time being and that Katie and I would be able to move in together. You see, it wasn’t so much that I was increasing my commute by an hour and a half, but rather that I was decreasing the time it took to get to Katie by an hour and a half, and that I would get to see a lot more of her. This was only ever a good thing.
So, for a year I was part-time. I did all sorts with my time, some things more productive than others, but started to look to the financial horizon; my savings weren’t going to last forever.
Rather serendipitously, I came across something that really appealed to me. Sure, there were aspects that I was not so keen on, but nothing’s perfect, right? So I applied, went for the interview and apparently made quite the impression on the panel, so much so, that they decided to create a role for me based on my strengths in the interview; I was invited to meet with the Operations Director to iron out what exactly the role would be called and was face-to-face with an opportunity I never thought to be possible: I was set to get paid to do everything about my previous full-time role that I absolutely loved while not having to deal with the bits that are really challenging. Not only that, it was a fifteen minute walk from the house. They just had to cross the ’t’s and dot the ‘i’s. I was elated; this kind of thing just doesn’t happen to me.
It all fell through. What was supposed to be a job offer came through as ‘sorry, but…’
I had the next 5 years planned. All because I allowed myself to be positive despite telling myself, nothing is real until it’s real.
Yes. Nothing is real, until it’s real.
It was so grossly unfair; anyone looking at the facts of this situation and maintaining that ‘nothing is guaranteed’ would be branded as the worst kind of pessimist.
Do I now move forward as though this proves some kind of point? Maybe that I shouldn’t get excited about anything until it is in the palm of my hand?
Do I take as further proof that you just can’t trust anyone?
Or do I treat it as an honest mistake by another human being, just as flawed as the rest of us?
I think the thing that has really upset me about this is that I did not have a plan for this scenario, so the future is suddenly very unknown.
So… what else is there to do now, but to write and contemplate the possibilities that the future holds…?